Tips to Handle Awkward Adoption Questions
Where are you from? Where’s your father? How come you don’t look like your mom? Why didn’t your mom want you? Did it cost a lot of money to adopt you? Is she really adopted? Is her dad tall?
These are just some of the awkward questions that have come up and most likely will come up as my daughter gets older and kids get bolder when they find out my daughter is adopted.
Because my daughter and I look alike, we are considered an “invisible adoption” (seems harsh, but that is the term used by adoption specialists), so we don’t get too many questions except when she is asked “where is your dad?” My daughter has always responded and proudly, I might add, “I am adopted.” In my opinion, unless a child is adopted, they have no idea what the word means so their response pretty much “Cool or ok” and they move onto the next thing.
Alas, the second grade is another topic. For those who don’t live in New York City, adopted kids are everywhere. Chinese girls with white parents are very common sight. Just in my daughter’s class, there are two adopted girls and in her grade there at five adopted kids.
But as anyone knows, kids are cruel and will pick on any little thing that makes you stand out from the crowd and being adopted or not having a dad or having two dads or two moms, you know where I am going with this.
In my opionion it’s best to arm your children with responses to help them navigate awkward and embarrassing questions from family members (yes, even cousins can be cruel,) classmates, friends, parents and strangers. And even if your child is not adopted, some responses can be used to handle any type of personal question. Frankly, I need to start using some of these with adults.
Here are Tips to Handling Awkward Questions:
1. When you don’t want to tell them your business
- Walk Away – “Sorry I have to go.”
- Ignore Them – “Don’t bother even responding to the question or comment.”
- Tell the Person – “That’s personal and I prefer not to talk about it.”
- Answer with a Question – “Don’t you think that’s a personal question” or “What do you think?”
2. When the question is intended to hurt you or is inappropriate.
- “How come you don’t look like your sister/brother/mother/father?” Response:” I guess I just lucked out!”
- “Do you ever plan to find your real parents? ” Response: “Do you ever plan to find your real brain?” or a variation.
- “Are you Chinese?” Response: “Gee, last time I looked I was American.”
- “Where is your real mom? Are you going to live with her?” Response: “This is my real mother, and always will be”.
3. How to answer questions without really answering the questions.
- Give a non-answer or answer without giving information.
- ” Does it feel weird to be adopted?” “Only when people ask me weird questions.”
- “Where your real parents? “Over there!”
- Is that your real sister/brother/mother/father? “Yes!” or “We’re an adoptive family, that’s why we look different.”
Every parent has an opinion about how much they should discuss the “being adopted” question with your child but in my opinion, adoption is a fact of life for my family and thought it may not be visibly obvious, there needs to be an open discussion (age appropriate, of course) as my daughter gets older.
For adoptive parents, I would love to hear how you deal with awkward questions.
I am adopted, and there is a girl next door my daughters age (10) who keeps telling me that my mother did not want me (AGH!!!) and that is must have been SO hard to call my “mom” (her quotation not mine) as in the woman that adopted me, mom, after I “found out” I was adopted. I am a grown woman, had conversations about adoption a million times and have never had anyone be so in my face before, it is really hurting me, and sad, but also bringing stuff up for me. So thanks, this is very timely. Part of it for me is that I believe 1000% that my “mom” is the woman who raised me and my “birth mother” is just that a wonderful woman, who gave myself and my family a wonderful gift, I know my birth mother, she is a strong part of my family know as well, but she is my birth mother, not my mom. Ah, thanks for this post.
I cant believe that girl said that to you! That is so hurtful. Thanks for your kind words, I love that you are confident in who you are.
My new friend told me recently that her son was adopted and I was floored–I said, “Really? He looks just like you and your husband! I never would have guessed!” I hope that wasn’t one of those stupid/offensive/weird comments. It just slipped out, but it really was true.
I think these are really good tips that would apply to many awkward questions not just adoption related ones.
By the way I’m stopping by after #commenthour
My beautiful niece’s adoption was finally! finalized at the beginning of this month. She is 18 months old and her birth parents/sister/grandparents are viewed as extended family (they were close friends with my sister and BIL before and now are even closer). Everyone is quite open about the situation. But, I am dismayed by the questions from women who ask accusingly how a married couple could give up their baby and let someone else raise her. I simply respond that they felt from the very beginning that G*d had allowed them to be the surrogate parents for my sister and BIL (which is true) and that they feel honored to be part of the process that enabled my sister and BIL to be the parents they were meant to be.
Why are people so cruel?
And, Tracy, I can’t believe a 10-year-old would say such awful things to you! You know she learned it from somewhere…
I’m sad to say that I’m not surprised at how hurtful both children and adults can be about such private matters. It seems like you’ve taught your daughter well.
thanks
I am an adoptive mother of two beautiful boys.. I received my joy when they were 10 months old and 3 years old (biological brothers). Our adoption was finalized when they were 3 and 5. They are now 10 and 12 (soon to be 13!!!). Both boys have always known they were adopted. We have always talked about it very openingly. (BTW.. I am a single adoptive mother from the get go.. still single). I think due to our openness, they have had been in a better position to deal with people’s idiotic questions. Their favorite response to such idiocy is – “Yeah, I am adopted, so what? At least my mom chose me, yours is just stuck with you!” I know, maybe not the nicest response, but under the circumstances they have used it with your typical bully children, it was appropriate and pretty much ended further discussion on that topic. Now that they have been in the same school for several years, they really don’t get any inquiries about it. My eldest son spoke in front of his class about his adoption, how it made him feel, and even why he was removed from his biological home. I was pretty proud of him as it was his choice when the class assignment was about your family tree. His teacher excused him from the assignment but Billy said it was okay.. that he had a family and was happy to share. 🙂
I was adopted at about 3 or 4 months old I think-(I am 61 now)-no I never knew my birth mother nor did I ever want to!! I was told at a very young age and seemed to have no problem with it-probably because I was adopted by wonderful parents!! None of my relatives ever asked me questions–I guess the adults taught the children the right way–As an adult I am always being asked don’t you want to know who your birth mother is–My answer is a resounding NO–for whatever reason she had to give me up for adoption–my only regret is that back then they did not give family medical histories–and I really do get tired of telling doctors that I just don’t know!! Thank heavens those medical histories are now passed on with the child. But then—the doctors actually have to do some work–hum——–
I read your sex talk post on Scary Mommy, I’d be in the same boat. Thankfully we aren’t needing responses like these yet, but I know the day will come.
Right now my daughter is 2 1/2, we brought her home from the hospital and we are also what you’d call an invisible adoption. My daughter looks so much like my husband… eyes, lips, nose… she’s often told be complete strangers “you look just like your daddy” Why do people feel the need to comment on things like that? It’s weird. What’s the appropriate response? We just say “Thank you” and smile.
She knows her birthmother, we see her about 2-3 times a year and has a picture of her in her room. We are lucky to have an amazing relationship with her and treat her like extended family. Even with that I struggle with adoption conversations… we are in the process of adopting another child right now and it’s hard to explain that a baby will come home with us one day (but within the next 2 years, how do you explain that?) I’m working on it, bringing it up now and then, asking her if she wants a baby brother or sister… mentioning that she’ll be a big sister.
I look forward to reading more about what types of things get brought up in your adoption group. What do the kids wish they had been told? I struggle with what to tell her when and I haven’t found any books that are helpful with that regard.
Howdy! This post couldn’t be written any better! Reading through this post reminds me of my previous roommate! He constantly kept preaching about this. I most certainly will send this article to him. Pretty sure he will have a good read. Thanks for sharing!
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